Way to Go!

Moms out there will agree with me that our greatest legacy is to be able to raise responsible, godly children. Sure, we are proud of them when they excel in academics, sports, hobbies or whatever they set their hands into. But our greatest joy is to see them imbibing the values that we taught them, to see them blossom into the kind of persons we want them to be.

The other day, my daughters and I had our usual night bonding in bed - teasing and cajoling each other, playing wrestling and pillow fight - when Danee the youngest, suddenly blurted out:

"Mom, my schoolmate always teases me. She says embarrassing things about me, and tells me she's mad at me", was her opening statment.

"How did this start? What names does she call you with? Are you sure you didn't start it?", was my reply.

"I haven't done anything bad to her. She just says she doesn't want to see me. She makes me uncomfortable", she explained.

I could tell that Danee is worried about the matter as she was almost in the verge of tears. Suddenly, I felt the urge to protect my kid. I looked intently into her eyes and told her very emphatically that the kid wasn't just teasing, she was BULLYING her and that she doesn't have to put up with her.

"I don't want you to be abused by other people. Tell her that if she doesn't stop bullying you, you're going to tell the teacher about it", I ordered her.

"But she's not bullying me!", she retorted.

"Yes she is. If you don't do it, I'll go to your teacher myself". I angrily remarked, a bit frustrated that she can still find it in her heart to defend the girl.

That was the end of our conversation and I thought that settled it, but a little while later, Danee approached me.

"Mom, I'm not doing what you told me. I don't want to make a big deal out of it". She sounded so convinced of herself now.

"And why not?", was my curious remark.

With a smile on her face, she blurted out: "Because I'm different. Because I'm a CHRISTIAN!". And she proceeded on to remind me that in the first place, it was me who taught her to always behave that way.

Whoa! I felt myself melting before my daughter's eyes. What a way to learn from a 9-year old!

And yeah, she was right. I've been teaching her all along about the virtues of kindness, politeness or simply walking in love. These are the things that will make her a beautiful person, I would always say. And here was a situation that called for the application of the very same values that I teach her. Unfortunately, I failed. Fortunately, she passed.

I can always justify that it was a natural reaction for any mother who wants to protect her child. But no matter what I say, one thing is clear: at that moment, I was like a child learning from an adult.

But I am proud of my daughter. She is truly becoming a beautiful person.

Lessons

It was a hot hot Sunday afternoon when we went out for our usual house hunting. Conscious of the scorching heat, I put sunblock on my face and grabbed my favourite over-sized hat. I reminded the kids to bring their anti-heat paraphernalias as well but before I could even finish my sentence, they were already out rushing to the car, unmindful of my instructions.

When we were about to get off the car, I kept looking for my hat but couldn’t find it. Then I saw Danee who was already out of the car, wearing it on her head, with a big smile on her face.

“Hey, Danee, that’s my hat! I told you to bring yours, ” I said.

“But mommy, don’t you know the concept of sharing?” she replied.

“Don’t you know the concept of responsibility? How many times have I told you to always bring your hat when the sun is high? Give it to me” I countered.

“Very well, then, but mommies are supposed to be more patient, more of a giver than a taker to their kids”, she retorted.

“Danee, have you heard about mom abuse? If you haven’t, you’re seeing one right now”, I shot back.

“Sorry mommy, it’s not mom abuse. I just thought that you wouldn’t mind me using your hat”, was the answer.

This is just a snapshot of how I and my youngest deal with each other on a day to day basis. My husband is amused everytime he hears the two of us arguing, and would often tease me “Nakahanap ka ng katapat mo” (you’ve found your match). He says Danee is very much like me.

Lest I be misinterpreted, I’m not at all offended by Danee’s tirades. In fact, I love it when she goes like that, as it tells me that I’m dealing with an assertive, no nonsense kid here. My husband is probably right, this is just her own personality shining out.

But deep down, I’d like to believe she’s imbibed my teachings about sharing and loving and is actually figuring out how to apply them in real life.

If only for this, I’d like to give myself a pat in the back, for being a good teacher, and Danee a big hug, for being a good student.

My Girl

My girl turns 12 today, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit mushy.

Time flies, and how fast indeed! Twelve years ago, she was just a tiny fragile infant that I carefully held in the palm of my hands. The first time I held her – I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of joy I almost wept.

She was such a well-behaved baby. She didn’t make much fuss even with wet diapers or hunger bouts. She knew how to entertain herself, cooing and laughing when no one was around, as if talking to invisible angels. She’d only given me very few sleepless nights which are nothing really compared to the joy when she smiled sheepishly at me, snuggled close to my breast to take her milk, and cooed and squeaked no end in the middle of the night.

At two, she had an immense vocabulary, she spoke straight tagalog and English, she recognized the letters of the alphabet and mimicked the sounds of animals. More than anything else in the world, she was fascinated by books with colorful drawings and illustrations. She was also such a fan of “The Land Before Time” video series to the point of memorizing practically all the songs in the collection.

Coming home from the office one day, I was greeted by an awesome sight - a three-year- old walking around the house in an oversized- high-heeled shoes that belonged to her mom, with kitchen spoon in one hand and my office bag in another. At this young age, she was fast showing signs of fierce independence, allowing no one to spoonfeed her, or to bathe her or to dress her up. She wanted to do all things by herself. I kidded myself – she is indeed her mother’s girl!

When her little sister came into the scene, the bouts of jealousy or selfishness that we predicted never surfaced. Instead, she surprised us with the kind of genuine concern and caring that she showed her sister. When the little baby was crying, she would race with her dad to find out what the fuss is. At night, she would send her sister to sleep with a wonderful rendition of the songs from the “Land Before Time”, culminating in the infamous “If we hold on” that had become the family’s unofficial theme song to this day. I didn’t have to teach her to take care of her sister. It came naturally to her. Even today, she is her sister’s best friend.

I could go on and on recalling the wonderful surprises, the endless joys and the precious bonding moments that she had delighted us with. Today, as I look at her and marvel at how she has perpendicularly grown up over the years, I am awed at the realization that my baby has now become my girl. In a few years, I know that my girl will soon transform into her own person. Already, I could spot the signs of its coming.

As a pre-teener, she had been pretty consistent in her ways: non-fussy, self-initiated, caring and responsible. But I have also seen that although I have raised her in a certain “mold”, she is slowly escaping that mold. She is starting to assert her independence in everything she does. It is fascinating to see her unspoken determination to be her own person – free from the dictates and pressures of others, even from her mom who used to be the center of her world. It’s not her style to wear the fad just because it’s the “in” thing or everybody else is doing it if she thinks it looks silly. She has very different interests compared to girls of her age. While others talk about Hannah Montana and acne and crushes, she would rather read books about astronomy and science.

But she still continues to sing. And how she loves to sing. She’s also into a lot of musical instruments – piano, clarinet, guitar, violin. On her birthday, she requested for an electric guitar to replace her acoustic guitar. She’s currently saving her weekly allowance so she can buy drums this summer. She’s a member of her school band and music choir and is the guitarist in our local church. Music is her greatest passion, if not her life. Why – she wants to become a music director or music teacher as an adult.

She also excels academically. She is on top of her class and is a very strong candidate for the dean’s honour by the end of the term, as her teachers told me during our parent-teacher session last week.

What all these means to me is that I am raising a girl with extra-ordinary potential and passions. A girl who at a young age already knows what she wants in life.

I have read somewhere that raising a kid is like flying a kite. At the initial stage of flying, the kite owner must maintain a tight grip as the kite struggles up high. Upon establishing the momentum, the owner must help the kite maintain its balance. And as soon as the kite becomes stable, the owner must learn to let go, albeit gradually, and be contented to watch the kite in its full flying splendor from afar, but vigilant to come to the rescue in case of brewing storm.

At this stage of my girl’s life, I know that I have to correspondingly evolve from the overprotective and imposing mother that I used to be into a supportive, nurturing, and empowering mom that is exactly what she needs as she spreads up her wings. This, to me, is the greatest gift I could ever give her.

From whence comes my help

Back in the Philippines, I used to have house helps who did most of the house chores, usually minding my children in my absence. I was able to effectively juggle family and work matters because of them. They made life so much easier.

Where we live now, house help is mostly unheard of. Gone were the days when we can stay glued to bed all morning without worrying about our breakfast. Or watch tv or read book all day without minding about the accumulated dust and mites. Or simply spend the entire day at the mall oblivious about the pending laundry.

Nonetheless, hubby and me were able to fashion an arrangement that conveniently meshed well with our new lifestyle. The one who is available must do all stuffs in a row – from laundering to washing the dishes to cleaning the floors. Capping these of course would be a good meal served hot upon arrival of the queen or king of the house, as the case maybe.

Happily, I recently discovered a great and effective way to ease our household burdens. It was there right under my nose, waiting to be tapped and utilized. I am talking about none other than my two dutiful daughters.

It was amazingly easy to get them to act on their feet – simply by asserting my authority over them. Now I hope I don’t sound like the Wicked Witch of the West or Hitler the Dictator. But given our family atmosphere, I knew this is the only way for me to get quick results. Of course, this wasn't easy for them, having been accustomed to the presence of nannies helping them in many ways before.

I started by setting clear and concrete expectations ripe for their age (like fixing the bed, folding the clothes, cleaning up, washing the dishes, cooking rice, setting the table, etc.), giving allowances for mistakes as a way of learning, reinforcing positive outcomes, and implementing consequences as needed. Rewards came in the form of heaps and heaps of affirmations, praise notes and love letters, extra allowances, favorite toy, extended tv or computer time, or anything that is viewed valuable by them. Consequences came in the form of grounding, withheld allowance or use of computers, not being able to watch their favorite show or additional workloads or anything viewed unpleasant by them. I had to resist the urge to do the tasks myself. I also had to be firm and consistent all the time and to really put on a good act of seriousness (the kind that says, I mean business, baby, so don’t test me) between procrastination, whining, promises to do it later, or outright tantrums.

After training them for about three months, my perseverance was worth it. They do their house assignments even without nagging from me and with little or no supervision. It had become a habit for them.

What is more important is that the payoff is way beyond helping me in completing the chores at hand. It’s about teaching my children the value of caring, consideration, flexibility, hardwork, teamwork and excellence even in the lowliest of tasks. It’s all about teaching them life skills that will prove valuable in their adult life.

Truly, the best lessons are first learned at home.