Countdown

This Saturday, April 11, is a big day for my highschool class. All roads lead to SNHS grounds as former classmates and friends and other alumni troop to join our alma mater's annual homecoming and reunion, this time being hosted by our class, the silver jubilarians.

The preparations for this activity started early last year, thanks to our dedicated classmates who cared enough to make the affair truly meaningful. Although I and the rest of my classmates who are based abroad, am several continents away from them, we were able to keep tab with the preparations and the developments, thanks to Marissa who initiated the opening of the e-group account for the batch.

As I write this, I can only imagine the excitement and frenzy building up as my classmates prepare for the big event. Menchie wrote in her blog how she and the rest of the locally-based classmates had been trying so hard to dance gracefully with the rhythm, conquering two left feet and stiff joints and arthritis, just to give justice to the production number. I am excited to see Nena, with all her towering height, pull it off and the rest of the girls who were not really into dancing during highschool.

They will also have a musical number to be participated in by the kids. Ali and Marissa are in charge of the rehearsals. I can just visualize how the kids will turn out to be as they belt out the lyrics of "Tomorrow" that used to be our class' unofficial theme song.

And of course, the Family Day exclusive to the class is the biggest treat of all. This is the highlight of the celebration, where friends and classmates will gather together in some warm, cozy and summery beach and talk about everything and nothing, reminisce the good old days, tease and cajole each other, share laughters and memories, and just have fun, probably up to the wee hours of the morning.

They will have so much fun. They will find each other again. They will celebrate old and newfound friendships. And when the day is over, they will experience the fullness of heart that will pave the way to tears. A few of them will cry a little but smile a lot.

They and only they, because I am unable to home to attend the celebration. Arrgh!

Since I graduated from highschool, I never had the chance to attend the alumni homecoming even though I was based in Manila then. I promised myself then that I will never miss out on our silver jubilee, but a year ago today, we migrated to Canada which makes travelling back home at this time of the year impractical and uncalled for.

But on our golden, I don't see any reason why I should miss it. And who knows, I don't really have to wait that long. A caring soul may want to organize an exclusive homecoming on our thirtieth year!

But for now, all I can do is wish my classmates good luck and pray for a successful homecoming celebration.

The Man

The first time I met him, I was instantly drawn to him and I didn't know why.

He was far from the man of my dreams. In fact he was just the exact opposite. He was also everything that I was not. I was extrovert, he was shy and quiet. I was opinionated, he had tempered judgment. I was assertive, he was laid back. I was transparent, he was cool and under composure.

Do opposites really attract? Psychologists explain this as arising from one’s innermost desires (probably rooted in the unconscious) to find traits and characteristics lacking in him in another person so he would feel complete.

After having been married to him for about fifteen years now, would I say that I am a complete person because of him?

He does complement my weaknesses. The opposite traits that I saw in him turned out to be that natural strengths that I depended on when times were hard. He was very much like the rudder that kept the boat afloat. When I was filled with doubts and fears and was on the edge, he was the steady hand that guided me through.

But such realization did not happen overnight. Over time, his natural strengths became sources of friction or even feelings of alienation. How I wished he would be more open with his feelings. How I wished he would feel the same way I do. How I wished he would be more sensitive and more caring. How I wished… How I wished…

So I tried to change his personality to suit mine. And that started my misery. It was like digging a hole for myself. The more I wanted him to be just like me, the more that his natural traits were being magnified.

I decided that, for my own peace, I better accepted him for what he is. After all, if I couldn’t change my personality to suit his either, isn’t that unfair to him? Funny how we want to change another person and yet we wouldn't take the first step to change ourselves.

Accepting him for what he is - strengths and weaknesses and all - was the most liberating decision I have ever made for myself.

Today, our marriage is stronger than ever. We have learned to live side by side with our imperfections, always highlighting our positives and downplaying our negatives. We have found that underneath our personality differences lie common and enduring values that we both believe in: love, responsibility, integrity and faith. Come to think of it, when you have lots of these, no marriage will ever crumble even with personality differences.

Happy birthday, ‘theart. I am glad I married you. I couldn’t imagine myself living with any other man.

A Sad Soul

I have met my new friend Anette, a 77-year-old Caucasian widow during our church’s annual outreach project a few months ago. She doesn’t share my faith but she believes in the existence of God. She lives alone in a two-storey grandiose house with a big yard that needs regular mowing. With her limited pension, she can barely afford to hire a grass cutter. So we volunteered to do it, at least every other week till winter.

She has spent the prime of her life taking care of her ailing husband who eventually succumbed to diabetic complications while she was in her fifties. She has serious back problems (her tendons and ligaments have twisted due to heavy lifting of her husband while still alive) that run through her legs. She takes pain relievers daily which provided little comfort over time. The last hope is a back surgery which could cost her her life.

She is in such physical distress, but this is nothing compared to the pain that is searing through her heart. Anette is a very sad woman, with the burden of solitude weighing down her soul day by day. Her gaze reflects an inner ache, her voice a hollow vacuum.

Her children had long left her behind (2 daughters and a son are in Winnipeg while another son is in Toronto) to live their separate lives. Curiously, none of them bother to pay her a visit though they are only a distance away. They only meet on important family occasions like birthday or Christmas. Anette speaks fondly of her children and wishes in her heart that someday, all of them would have a happy reunion in that grand house of hers.

Something has gone wrong somewhere, and I am not about to pass judgment.

My family makes it a point to visit her every Sunday, just sitting for about two hours with her in the kitchen, talking about nothing over a cup of coffee. One time just as we were preparing to leave, Anette told me: “I hope I can fulfill whatever expectations you have from me”. I replied: “We don’t expect you to do anything for us, it is our pleasure to do something for you, and it had been a privilege that you allowed us intruders into your heart”. Her eyes were red with tears when we parted.

I am drawn to Anette, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my way of appeasing my guilt of leaving my mother behind. In my lifetime, I am happy that I am given the chance to meet this wonderful woman, and hopefully to touch her soul in a positive way.

But I will have to admit this - everytime I see her, I feel a gnawing fear inside me. She reminds me of how fragile life can be, and what will become of us all by the end of the road. When all is said and done and we have loved and given everything we have, and then find ourselves alone when dusk time comes, from where do we draw courage to get out from the abyss of despair and loneliness?

In my bed of thorns, He is the fragrant rose;
In my wilderness, He's the stream that flows;
A shelter built with loving grace,
His refuge shall be my dwelling place. —Krippayne
© 2002, New Spring Publishing, Inc./Chips and Salsa Songs

Why I Blog

Time is such a slippery thing. I cannot seem to get enough of it.

Where I am concerned, life is taking such a rapid pace. I now live in a different world, across several continents. I have given up a lot of things I used to have, in pursuit of a different direction. I am no longer the same person I was yesterday.

Yesterday’s memories have all been consigned to imagination. Today’s memories will similarly be buried into obscurity very soon.

Should l allow the present moment melt into yesterdays and tomorrows without a trace? Should I let the treasures, wonders and joys of my journey pass by without me pausing a bit to acknowledge them?

These were the questions in my heart when I discovered blogging. Instantly, I liked the idea of being able to capture in words what I felt at the moment. And then, I couldn’t stop anymore. It felt wonderful – the idea that I can actually conquer time, albeit momentarily, and hold it in my palm. It was deliriously joyful that I have something to go back to when I am old and done. That I can actually collect and preserve today’s memories so I can remember who I was before I became who I am today.

And then there was an added bonus. As I blogged and hopped between blogs, I discovered as well the joy of being able to reach out to kindred spirits, including my newfound on-line friends and those from the olden times.

They were right in saying that blogging allows for rediscovery and reconnections. Blogging has made the world a much smaller place for all of us. Their blogs have touched me in a way I could never imagine. I sat in front of my laptop smiling and sharing with their little joys and life’s pleasant surprises. At other times, I can’t stop the tears rolling down my cheeks as I feel their pains and inner turmoils. Talk about a true and beautiful connection!

Angels Around Me

I have read somewhere that angels, whether supernatural (beings of light) or ordinary human beings, surround us every day. It takes an open heart and utmost sensitivity to be aware of them, and to recognize what they're doing to us.

My life has always had a recognizable pattern. In my lowest moment, I never run out of somebody who comes in at the right time and says or does the right thing helping me cope or see through a most difficult situation. This somebody is my human angel, and I can count lots of them in my fingers. They come and go. Or they stay for good. Those who stay, I believe, are God's designated angels to accompany me throughout my life's journey.

There are latest additions to my list of angels, and one of them is my good friend LA. He used to be my officemate but we weren't that close really. Our conversations were limited to work and our greetings were simple hi and hello. He stood out from his league as he was unusually bubbly and disarming even to strangers. I never had an inkling that our paths would become closely woven later. He moved to Winnipeg a year ahead of me and then we didn't communicate much after that.

A few months later, I received our family's immigrant visa with Winnipeg as destination. I started making travel preparations already, banking on the support and assistance of my sister-in-law who was to help us settle. As fate would have it, in the thick of my preparations, my sister-in-law suddenly decided to move to Toronto, for good, leaving us hanging in the air. Naturally, we were thrown off balance. It was like drowning and gasping for air in the middle of the sea. We wanted to quit mid course. The fear and anxiety of having to do it by ourselves was just too much to bear. Settling in a foreign country with no one to help you is definitely no joke!

We were about to put off our migration plan and then ta-dah - LA came into the scene. He volunteered to arrange for our airport pick-up, look for our apartment and do all sort of stuffs for us. Whew - what a relief that was! I felt like a damsel in distress being saved by a mighty prince! To cut the story short, LA did as promised, and delivered more than expected. Everything was ready when we arrived. He even had a hot molo soup and chicken barbecue waiting for us in our apartment upon arrival from the airport. He also had the sense to pick up minor grocery items for us, anticipating that we will have nothing to eat on our first day.

Over the next few days in Winnipeg, LA and his sister (Lynn) and her hubby (Chris) had been our tireless companions, driving us here and there as we opened our bank accounts, applied for our health and employment cards, looked for school for the kids and even shopped for our furnitures and home needs. They truly made us feel at ease, and at home. I never thought that settlement could be this easy, and only because you have friends to assist you. Then they introduced us to other well-meaning people who eventually became our friends too. Most importantly, Chris facilitated the employment of Ronny at Palliser, the company he works with. So many angels, and so much blessings!

I will never be able to repay them fully for all the good things they've done. Being the kind-hearted persons I've known them to be, I'm sure they're also not expecting anything in return from me, except probably a word of thanks and a spirit of gratitude, which I am so profuse with. I know they are God-sent, and as I write this, I have made a promise to God to be an angel to others, especially those in great need. This is my contribution to ensure that this cycle of giving and receiving is not broken. What comes around goes around.

At one point in your life, you may have met a human angel in the form of a friend whose words of encouragement have healed your soul and led you to the right path, or a stranger on the street who asked you something, delaying you long enough to spare you from a fatal road accident. Or an ordinary human being who has touched your life with his deeds of kindness. If we will only be sensitive enough, there are many situations which are often dismissed as simply luck, coincidence or even a miracle, but which have "the touch of a hand of light behind it." The most amazing thing is - you can be an angel yourself!